Life or Death?

I was talking to a DR friend the other day about Haiti. I have a month off from work this summer and want to go back down. I have a several options of where I can go, but I’m trying to hone in where God may be leading me to move full time. Yes, I want to move to Haiti. Crazy, huh?

However, decision making is not my strong point. Never was. Big decisions trip me up so bad it’s ridiculous. Intuitively, I know a lot. Intuitively, I am to go on the foreign mission field. Intuitively, I am to give my life to the poor. Intuitively, I am to go to Haiti. But exactly where in Haiti? I wish I had the faith of Abraham who left his homeland not knowing where he was going. A country like Haiti only increases my anxiety to have a well made plan. Lord, increase my faith! But, for now, when faced with a decision, I investigate, evaluate, gather information, pray and enlist the counsel of trusted friends... 

So I was Skyping with this friend, and during some smalltalk, he asked me what I was doing. Sitting outside, I said. I happened to be on the deck of my beautiful Florida cottage on the lake. Fragrant jasmine vines encircled my chaise where I sat with my laptop, enjoying the sun. I told him about my day up to that point which included a farmer’s market and lunch with a few girlfriends. 

He marveled that I was outside, as it is rainy season in Hispaniola. It had been downpouring and flooding where he lives for days. Rainy season in Haiti means lots of rain. It also means mud, floods, mosquitoes, suffocating humidity, hurricanes and disease. I realized, with my big sunglasses on, I was trying to enlist myself into a world that is simply not as kind as Naples, Florida. Hello. 

I thought about being back in Haiti. In the poorest country of the Western Hemisphere, there are no farmer’s markets with free coffee, gluten-free scones and organic arugula. There’s just not. There are also no lazy Saturday afternoons spent idly in the sun, sipping cold herbal tea and doing a little vinyasa yoga before settling into a good book. For a moment, my friend’s laid down life of serving the countries of DR and Haiti challenged me... convicted me.

Then it occurred to me...that thought. The thought that keeps creeping up on me lately. It’s the sinister tempting whisper that says: you could just not go back. I could just succumb to the comfort of America and relax. The voice is correct, I don’t have to go back to Haiti. I am choosing to go to Haiti. But Haiti was hard. Haiti was difficult. Haiti was frustrating and challenging and hot. Haiti is full of potential heartache and sickness and difficulty. And I choose to go back!?

I’ve been toying around with the idea of moving to the DR, simply because life isn’t so extreme there, and Haiti is only a bus ride away. It’s my attempt at making things easier, I suppose. My pastor wasn’t too keen on the idea. “Kristin, I can’t see you anywhere but the uttermost. You’re just not cut out for compromise. You won’t be happy...”

Happy? I tried to imagine myself in Cite Soleil, on the top of a garbage pile, giddy. 

(Note: If I choose to move to Cite Soleil, it will be confirmed that I can’t make a logical decision!)

I remember writing my epitaph. I was living in a New York ghetto and signed up for grief and bereavement training because of the inner-city ministry I was involved in. Trauma and sadness came with the territory. Part of the training included writing your own epitaph. As I write this blog, I feel like I’m there again. I can’t remember what my last epitaph said, probably something like “She gave her life to the streets of West Hill.”

My epitaph would now say this,

“If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it.” (Mark 8:35 NLT)

If I go back to my Lazy Saturday afternoons, my herbal tea, my comfort...I will lose my life. Like a vapor in the warm Florida sun, it will just vanish. However, if I give it all up for the Gospel, I will really start living. Jesus said so and I bank my eternity on it. 

Figuring out how/where/why/when is becoming less and less important. In a life or death situation, sometimes even the luxury of planning must be forsaken. All I know is that I want out of Naples. You can have your organic gluten-free scones and everything else Naples, Florida has to offer. Give me mudslides, give me malaria, give me Jesus.

Just go, I hear another voice saying. This voice is also a whisper, but it’s peaceful and hopeful and safe, the voice of my Shepherd. 

The uttermost is wooing me, “...into a land I will show you.” (Gen 12:1)

"You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. 

Though he was God, He did not think of equality with God      

as something to cling to.

Instead, he gave up his divine privileges;
    he took the humble position of a slave
    and was born as a human being.
When he appeared in human form,
    he humbled himself in obedience to God
    and died a criminal’s death on a cross.
Therefore, God elevated him to the place of highest honor
    and gave him the name above all other names,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord,
    to the glory of God the Father." 

(Philippians 2:5-11)